So, back in the good old days, when we wanted to watch Sonic the Hedgehog on the boob-tube, we had two choices, neither of which bore any resemblance to the games at all. First, there was the amazing "Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog", which was obviously aimed toward children and grown-ups that need to wear helmets and diapers as part of their social life. That featured Sonic and Tails fighting Robotnik and his two goon robots, Scratch and Grounder, having Loony Tunes-style escapades chock full of anvils, explosives, and wacky disguises. The other viewing option was the Saturday morning 'toon which presented us with a post-apocolyptic Mobius, and Sonic as a member of an underground resistance movement of freedom fighters, running terrorist strikes against Robotropolis. OK, so it was a few shades darker then we were used to, and featured a heaping sack of the Archie Comic continuity, but it was pretty good. Now, Sonic and pals are back in Sonic X, a "Fox Box" import show created by Sonic Team itself. The good news is that Sonic Team's involvement means that the show will actually reference things in the games (e.g.. Chaos Emeralds). However, the show is not without it's problems. It leaves the viewer with all sorts of important questions, many of which I have kindly jotted down for in glorious list form. So sit back, and prepare to swallow the bitter pill that is:
Questions Presented By Sonic X
By Quacker Duk
1. Where in God's name does Amy keep that Piko-Piko Hammer? And if she keeps it where I think she does, why isn't Sonic turned on by it?
2. Why are they so worried about getting home? Besides Knuckles bitching about leaving the oven on at home (or something about the Master Emerald, I forget which), all we know about their home is that is was full of trees. I like trees as much as the next person, but Station Square and it's surrounding Locales seem a lot nicer. I know home is home, but couldn't they have given the characters' friends and family members to miss? Couldn't Sonic make some kinda passing comment about how he needs to feed his cat, just give it some urgency?
3. Where's Shadow????!!!!! I know he's going to be introduced in another season, but I'm sure we're all wondering what he's up to, right now. Maybe the end of each episode could show him driving to work, slitting throats, and having trippy flashbacks. You know, just daily life for 'ol Shadow.
4. How come Tails can build remote control EMP darts, and a souped up jet, but he can't invent a pair of pants.
5. Um...So if Eggman has an army of robots at his disposal, and each of which is almost a match for Sonic, why does he release them one by one? If I were a supervillan with a mechanical legion of doom (and God willing, I shall be one day), I'd release them all at once, programming half to destroy the city, and the other half to eradicate Sonic. Wham, Bam, you're overlord and ruler of Station Square by lunch time.
6. Why is it called Sonic X, if there no X-rated nudity? Such obvious false advertising is a deceitful ploy to trick honest perverts into watching a show that only gives us brief shots of Amy's panties! For shame, Sonic Team. For Shame.
7. Who thought the theme song was a good idea? Don't get me wrong -- I love it. I sounds like Blink 182 at a furry convention, with it's inane lyrics and skater punk vibe. I'm just wondering why, in a world of hyperactive brats with Ridelin chucking parents, do we need a spastic theme telling kids not to "Think" or "Blink", and to just "GO, GO, GO, GO, GOGOGOGOGOGO". The first time I heard it I couldn't help running around the living room, trying to smash Opal's computer monitor in hopes of finding beautiful, beautiful rings. Russian roulette doesn't give as much of an adrenal rush as that theme.
8. What is Sonic's problem? I know he's supposed to have an attitude, but in this show is is just an antisocial d*ckhead! In the old days, attitude meant that he was cheeky with Robotnik and cracked a few jokes every now and then. Now a days, Sonic spends most of his time being rude to his friends, running away for long periods of time, and generally being abusive to those who care about him. It's less about having an attitude as being moody and insensitive. Sure, that kind of behavior works, for Batman, but at least Bats has some kinda excuse.
9. What are those power rings Amy throws at Sonic? Yeah, I played the game, so I guess I do know, but from the context of the show, it just looks like Ms. Rose is tossing him fresh Krispy Kreme donuts. Then again, maybe she is. That kinds sugar is enough to make anyone go supersonic. (Note: This may have been explained in an episode I missed.)
10. Chris is Sora from Kingdom Hearts, right?
Oh, well. I supposes a little mystery makes the whole experience a little more exciting. Still, Scratch and Grounder wouldn't have stood for this.
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